Mr. Joel Hall

Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now
Your burning has turned into fear
That trails me in my every step,
I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels

Just one more breath, I beg you please
Just one more step, my knees are weak
My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive
My heart is sturdy but it needs you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

Steady lungs, don't fail me now
I feel you bursting but you won't let me die
Fill me up with every stepI
'm feeling sick, but I'm leaving it behind

Just one long breath I beg you please
Just one more step you are not weak
My legs are sturdy but they need you to survive
My heart is sturdy but I need you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
And know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there once more?

I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve to

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

~Reason to Believe, Dashboard Confessional

I had my first rehearsal today with Mr. Joel Hall. His work, with him at the forefront, is the reason I'm here, my goal for this whole 2nd company process. So today should have been a great experience. We've heard horror stories about him working you to the bone, running stuff again and again, being really picky about every detail, about him changing stuff left and right. But there was no preparation for the real deal. He had us run it once just to see it. This piece is really hard (though he told us that it shouldn't be), and I am onstage for all but about 32 counts of the 10 minutes. Once through and I just about want to die. After this first run, he tells us it's terrible, and we should run it again, but better ("Get it together, honey"). So we run it again, trying even harder to please him. This time, he says it was a little better. By now I'm panting uncontrolably, and have completely sweated through all of my clothes. The headache I've had all day is hurting to distraction, and I know it's not over yet. He starts running little chunks of choreography, perfecting details here and there. But you can't mark, no sir, everything full out, again and again. Right, wrong, better, worse, you give 200% in front of Mr. Joel Hall. I am pulling it out of who-knows-where by this point. We get done with the little sections, and of course: "Let's see it again. And this time, don't mess up." Don't mess up? I knew right then I was doomed. We start in a static pose center stage, and I can hardly hold the position. But I grit my teeth and make my grimace into a smile. I got through about 1/4 of the piece before I broke down. Crying, just about hyperventilating, over-heating, totally in a panic. I run off-stage, leaving a big hole in the piece. No one stops (good for them), though I'm having a little flip-out party in the corner. I spent about 1 minute hoping I could gather myself and get back out there, but I knew it wouldn't happen. The stage manager who was there watching comes over, demands I sit down, and goes to get me some wet paper towels and water. I spend the rest of the rehearsal trying to collect myself. Mr. Joel Hall asks me "You okay, Ms. Thing? Do I need to replace you?" Oh geez, please don't replace me. I am not working this hard, destroying myself like this, just to be replaced. No sir, I will do this part, and I will do it right, 250%. Just give me another week to get over that flu I had, and a couple more hours of sleep every night.

So my first real show of stamina and chance to impress my hopefully-future director was a huge bust. I've pushed myself hard before, I've had an asthma attack after a run of a piece, given myself 4 stress fractures because I refused to take it easy. But this was just bad. Scary, dissapointing, and sad. I just hope I can pull it out next time he sees the piece, cause I would be infuriated if one moment of weakness ruined my chances. I have victories to taste, so I just gotta breathe.

A couple crazy weeks

These past couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Sometimes fun, sometimes horrible. A recap:

The store I work at (Chicago Dance Supply) has been recently kicked out of our space to make room for a bank and a take-and-bake pizza place. We opted to move to the upstairs retail space in the same building, rather than moving somewhere completely different. The customer base is great in that area (there's a dance studio right across the street), and the neighborhood is good. Also, the actual moving would be easier. We've had the space available to us for a while, so we painted, put down a new wood floor, knocked down a bunch of walls, installed a new ceiling, and built some custom-fit fixtures for our merchandise. The actual move happened the first week of April. It was CRAZY. Pretty much nothing was planned for this move, we just all knew we had to be there every waking moment all week. And we were. I spent 6-8 hours there every day, on top of Starbucks. We took inventory on everything in the store, from pointe shoes to leotards to fairy wings to thera bands. Then, we moved it upstairs. We moved up 6 8-foot tall bookshelves, 10 t-stands, and innumberable other fixtures. We built new shelves and new hanging rods and new hooks on every available wall. We hung waterfall hooks on every pole. We built up and up and up, because there was no space to spread out. We need step-stools to get at about half the merchandise. We painted shelves, desks, walls, trim. We cleaned the nice new floors like 20 times. We arranged and re-arranged and arranged again. It was nuts. But it got done. There are still little things to do, to put away, to organize. Every time I go into work, something is in a different place. We got a new computer which I have to set up and get going. But the new space is great. It's cute, it's cozy, it's functional, it's ours. We really worked hard to make it just for us, exactly how we needed it. And a week of work later, and many a bruise and scrape, it looks great. Come visit sometime!!

As I was leaving work on Friday night, after being there for 9 hours following a 6 hour shift at Starbucks, I said to my co-worker: "how much do you want to bet I'll be sick within the next 3 days?" And, by Sunday night, I was proved right. I had this terrible headache, and tried to go to bed early only to lie there until 4am not sleeping. After 2 hours of sleep, I attempted to go to work at Starbucks. After just a few hours, I looked like death and felt like I was going to fall over, so they sent me home. By the time I got home, I had a 103 degree fever. I spent the next 3 days in bed, unable to do much of anything. They came to spray my apartment for bugs on Wednesday (something I agreed to let them do 4 times a year in my lease), which forced me out of bed to at least get the door. Thankfully, I got better quick after that. I was back at work by Thursday, though I hadn't eaten in 4 days. And I was chipper enough by Saturday to go to Holland for a wedding. I lost 5 pounds, which is a plus. But being sick is never fun. I'm back to normal now, though, which is great. I'm sure those 5 pounds won't stay off for long, as I'm seriously enjoying being able to eat again :)

The wedding in Holland was great. Mike and I played a great round of frisbee golf before-hand (we passed a bunch of boys who seemed amazed that I would play a round in my heels and dress). The weather was nice, if not exactly summer-y. The reception was fun, I got to dance a little. The food was great. And I got to go on a road-trip, one of my favorite things. It made me miss my college friends, though (Jennica!!!), my Reeverts Girls, my dancer friends. I miss the peace and straight-forward-ness of college, of Holland. Much as I love the city, it was nice to be back with the tulips and the trees.

In other news, I tried to make brownies yesterday. They didn't turn out well. Oh so sad.