Mr. Joel Hall

Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now
Your burning has turned into fear
That trails me in my every step,
I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels

Just one more breath, I beg you please
Just one more step, my knees are weak
My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive
My heart is sturdy but it needs you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

Steady lungs, don't fail me now
I feel you bursting but you won't let me die
Fill me up with every stepI
'm feeling sick, but I'm leaving it behind

Just one long breath I beg you please
Just one more step you are not weak
My legs are sturdy but they need you to survive
My heart is sturdy but I need you

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
And know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there once more?

I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste
I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest
I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat
I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve to

Breathe, don't you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need
My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?

~Reason to Believe, Dashboard Confessional

I had my first rehearsal today with Mr. Joel Hall. His work, with him at the forefront, is the reason I'm here, my goal for this whole 2nd company process. So today should have been a great experience. We've heard horror stories about him working you to the bone, running stuff again and again, being really picky about every detail, about him changing stuff left and right. But there was no preparation for the real deal. He had us run it once just to see it. This piece is really hard (though he told us that it shouldn't be), and I am onstage for all but about 32 counts of the 10 minutes. Once through and I just about want to die. After this first run, he tells us it's terrible, and we should run it again, but better ("Get it together, honey"). So we run it again, trying even harder to please him. This time, he says it was a little better. By now I'm panting uncontrolably, and have completely sweated through all of my clothes. The headache I've had all day is hurting to distraction, and I know it's not over yet. He starts running little chunks of choreography, perfecting details here and there. But you can't mark, no sir, everything full out, again and again. Right, wrong, better, worse, you give 200% in front of Mr. Joel Hall. I am pulling it out of who-knows-where by this point. We get done with the little sections, and of course: "Let's see it again. And this time, don't mess up." Don't mess up? I knew right then I was doomed. We start in a static pose center stage, and I can hardly hold the position. But I grit my teeth and make my grimace into a smile. I got through about 1/4 of the piece before I broke down. Crying, just about hyperventilating, over-heating, totally in a panic. I run off-stage, leaving a big hole in the piece. No one stops (good for them), though I'm having a little flip-out party in the corner. I spent about 1 minute hoping I could gather myself and get back out there, but I knew it wouldn't happen. The stage manager who was there watching comes over, demands I sit down, and goes to get me some wet paper towels and water. I spend the rest of the rehearsal trying to collect myself. Mr. Joel Hall asks me "You okay, Ms. Thing? Do I need to replace you?" Oh geez, please don't replace me. I am not working this hard, destroying myself like this, just to be replaced. No sir, I will do this part, and I will do it right, 250%. Just give me another week to get over that flu I had, and a couple more hours of sleep every night.

So my first real show of stamina and chance to impress my hopefully-future director was a huge bust. I've pushed myself hard before, I've had an asthma attack after a run of a piece, given myself 4 stress fractures because I refused to take it easy. But this was just bad. Scary, dissapointing, and sad. I just hope I can pull it out next time he sees the piece, cause I would be infuriated if one moment of weakness ruined my chances. I have victories to taste, so I just gotta breathe.