I've had a few requests for the run-down on my presentation of my life as a box from my Senior Seminar class. I'll try to explain the important parts while not making this entry super duper long. And keep in mind my speaking style, I move around a lot, dance stuff out, tell funny stories, and look like a dork most of the time. So the serious matter at hand was actually rather entertaining to listen to.
I put up the pieces inside the box first. These are the things I learned in childhood, from my parents, from my life, from my past. They are the core of who I am, the things that I always thought made me into me. I was always obediant, I only remember one serious spanking as a child. I always believed Christianity worked like the Catechism book, just those 50 questions and thier very clear-cut answers. I applied the integrity of ballet technique to my whole life, running my days like a ballet class, running my skills like steps to be honed to perfection. I never doubted the structures in which I was placed: youngest child, band geek, overachiever, middle class, cute blond. The things that kept me in that core were my fears. There are the Big Four fears: confrontation, failure, rejection, and injury. Those things rule my life every day, keeping me tied to doing the same things because they have been proved to not bring about the things I am afraid of. There are other fears as well, making up the 3D portion of the box, silly ones like clowns and animated inanimate objects (insert funny stories of singing bass here). These things limited me to the experiences I had inside of the box that I had built for myself over the years.
The pieces outside the box went next. Each was a challenge to the ideals I had learned in my childhood, but found didn't always stand up as strong in the real world. Temptations made me think twice about being obediant. Alternate views of truth made me see there is more to belief than those 50 questions and their seemingly easy answers. Improvisation and a different view of artistry pushed the boundaries of my technique, my clean lines and square counts. Chaos and free-time challenged my structure, giving me freedom to see how the other side lived.
As a fully integrated and mature person, I have to deal with all of these pieces. Each one plays a part in every day of my life. I have to look at the girl inside that box and the world outside it through the lens of my fears. Some fears are easily overcome. I avoid circuses, use email, don't allow my friends to own moving dolls. Some aspects of the outside world can be dealt with through practice and faithfulness. Some aspects of the outside world need to be integrated into my box, so that I can be more whole and more aware and more open-minded. Some of my fears will never go away, namely the Big Four. But they can move farther outside my boundaries, I can open up my box to include more of the real world, I can live as if the sides are not so tight against my soul. I may never be confident with confrontation, but I do not have to be held back by it. I may never find answers to every temptation that is presented to me, but I can integrate it into how I deal with situations. I may not know the true path to truth until the day He returns, but I can ask without fear of ruining my ideals. My box is bigger now, not limited to small girl lessons and often irrational fears.
