Attention!!!

I would just like to tell everyone that I took 2 showers today. Yes, it is true.

Random thought

Do you ever put on your sweatshirt and not want to put down your hood? Sometimes it's just warm and protected in there, where no one else can get at you, and all the bad is blocked out. I've been tempted by my hood like 3 times in the last couple of days. I need to not wear hoodies so much, or I'm going to become a hood-hermit.

This week

The week from the pit:

4 exams: a 100%, an iffy but positive, an iffy but negative, a complete disaster

3 quizzes: 2 just fine, 1 slept through

1 lab report: left it at home when going to the class where it was due, had to spend my free 15 minutes running across campus a few times

3 rehearsals: learned half a jazz dance, an adagio combination, an entire solo, the technique for a Fosse piece and the beginnings of a tap dance that I can't hear the rhythms of

3 days of work: a positive note on my week, though it takes up some time, I forget that I'm getting paid to do this amazing job

0 sleep: my 4 hour nap this afternoon didn't really help, either, so I'm thinking it's gonna be an early night...

Things I Like

~laying in bed until 5pm

~coupons for Swedish Fish

~Daddy signing his emails "love, love"

~Mama apologizing for taking a bad picture of me

~not feeling like the world is going to end because I have 4 exams this week

~being able to go out and run, if only for a mile and a half, every day

~living in a house full of girls as crazy as me

~developing a roll of film and having really good pictures in it that I had forgotten I took

~you leaving a comment :)

Crazy

I am insane. I am busy. I am stressed. I am not sleeping. I am confused emotionally, spiritually, physically. I am exhausted. I am finding new depths of energy. I am understanding things. I am feeling lost beyond belief. I am just trying to keep going.
Life is a little confusing lately. Some things are amazing, some are not. But it all just keeps going, no matter how tired or sore or confused I am. That's good. Just knowing that the earth is still spinning gets me out of bed in the morning.
I am learning to like running. Every day I can go just a little farther. I'm learning a lot about the area, which is fun. I went down to Kollen Park today (3 miles round trip, be impressed), which is right on Lake Macatawa (I think, correct me if I'm wrong). It was absolutely gorgeous. I got in sight of the sun off the water just as the big swell in Jupiter (I like to run to Holst's The Planets) came. It was perfect. That image got me all the way home. I love this town, even though I complain about it. Just being able to run around and look at the landscape is nice.
I'm getting used to waking up with the trains. I still wake up, but every night I'm a little less bitter about it. They are annoying, but there's nothing I can do about them. So I just roll over and go back to sleep after they are gone. Maybe when winter comes I'll be able to sleep through the night...
I miss my friends who are far away, but I'm really enjoying my girlies here. They are always around to talk, and they are super funny. Lisa and Mary yesterday were trying to kill this gigantic moth, and I don't think I could have laughed harder. Then today we were doing an interpretive dance to a poem that Mary was making up about my eyes. Hilarious. Alyssa claims she never sees me not sweaty, and Emily must think I'm as crazy as she is (we both tend to be up all night all the time). But they are great, and I can't imagine this year without them. Go girlies!! :)
Okay, I suppose I should get back to my studying. I've actually been doing my homework lately. It takes a lot of time, no wonder I never did it before. Oh well, hopefully it will help in the grade department. We'll see.

Do as I say...

Rule #1: Do not call me if you are drunk. Thank you.

Rule #2: If you read this, please leave a comment, even if it is something like "hey, it's *insert name here*, yeah." Thank you.

Rule #3: Don't attempt to understand my subtle sarcasm over instant messenger. Usually, it's not understandable in person.

Rule #4: No tickling, poking, or excessive squeezing. I will hurt you if you do (or attempt to anyways, though I have been known to have good aim with my knees).


Alright, follow these simple rules, and you will keep me happy. There may be more, but I can't think of them right now. Thank you.

Just another Friday

Guess who called today. That's right, my Jennica!!! I was so excited to hear her voice. She sounds like she's doing alright, even with the struggles that come from a gigantic life change. It was nice to be able to talk to her, and to give advice from across the ocean. We really must find a cheaper phone card for her, though, it is sad to nearly hear the dollars ticking away. It was a great start to a long day.
So here's my big news. I've decided to run a half marathon on Halloween. Yes, you heard right, I'm going to run. And yes, 13 miles is an insane goal at this point. But I've got 6 weeks, and lots of ambition, so we'll see how it goes. I'm starting out at being able to do 1 mile and nearly dying, so I've got a lot a lot a lot of work to do (a lot a lot a lot a lot). But I know in no time at all I'll be up to like 10 miles a day and will be looking fabulous. Oh, and there's a rule: no making fun of me for this. Whether I succeed or not is not the point, so much as the effort I'm putting into it. Plus, it makes me feel more like I fit in in this house, so many of them run.
Other than that, I'm just kinda normal. Very sore, very tired, and already a little frustrated by biochem. But that's okay, because God is good, the sun shines even if it's hidden by clouds, and things will get better if I'm patient.
Alright, I'm out. Love God, hate sin, have fun.

Sorry

I'd like to apologize for the poetry and stuff in here lately. I'm going through some stuff, mainly getting my life back on track from the utter disaster that was my last year. So if you're confused, just ask, and I'll give you the short version. If you don't care, then just ignore the sappy parts and read the normal things. Hopefully things will calm down soon. Until then, sorry.

Why do I still care so much? Why is it so hard to do what I'm supposed to be doing here? Why does making things right have to cost so much? I'm tired of this being a battle. I'm tired of not knowing why this is happening. I'm just plain tired.

Day 6/23
There is no sunshine here
Only me
I have run away again
Away from everything and everyone
There is no comfort in knowing
It will be okay someday
I can't turn the pages fast enough
I'm tired of rising action
The world looks so simple
Water, earth, air
But my life has been broken down
To atoms, quarks, electromagnetic pulses
The chaos is overwhelming
Entropy reigns supreme
There must be formation in this vicious dance
Harmony in the motion of countless entities
Where is the synopsis, the abridged version,
The cheat sheet
Where is the ground that my falling heart
Can finally crash down on

Yeah, I'm fine

This is no one's fault
There is no blame to give
You don't make it worse
I don't make it better
I'll be fine at some point
But probably not today

My heart is not whole
My sould is not functioning
My body is no healthy
My mind is not clear
I'll be fine at some point
But probably not today

It wasn't a crash
It wasn't a bang
The walls weren't built over night
The wounds weren't inflicted all at once
I'll be fine at some point
But probably not today

The answers are out there
The questions continue to be formulated
The returning champ can't help, sadly
My witty remark isn't a real response
I'll be fine at some point
But probably not today

Sleep and eat
Shower and dress
Work and relax
Think some more
I'll be find at some point
But probably not today
Or tomorrow either, for that matter

Reeverts, O Reeverts

I think this guy next door plays the mandolin. I keep thinking the ice cream man is going by, but then realize that it's just someone plinking away in Poll Cottage. He doesn't play anything in particular, as far as I can tell, but it's pretty none the less. I should go over there and meet him. "Hi, my name is Paula, do you play the mandolin?" I probably shouldn't do that, as it would make me look even wierder than I actually am.
I had this random blurb about the Frankfurt Ballet up a couple of months ago, and I just heard the other day that they are no longer to be in existence. The government of Germany decided that they didn't want to keep paying William Forsythe (like the coolest choreographer for ballet ever, and also the director of the FB), and so the company is dissolving. Maybe he'll come teach at Hope :) I wish. No really, I do.
I took a bath today, and it was really nice. Bubbles, warm water, good music, a nice book. The bathtub in my house is nice, it has a good angle at the end to lean up against, so you're not sitting up too much. And, it's deep enough to actually get enough water in. I would liek to someday have a bathtub in which I can stretch out. Someday, that gigantic claw-footed wonder will be mine....someday.....
I'm kinda tired of being all sweaty all the time. It's wicked hot around here lately, and we don't have air conditioning. Like being totally allergic to the months of August and September isn't bad enough, then it has to go and be all humid and gross. There is a hint of autumn in the air, though. I tried to write a poem about the lurking fall today while I walked to class, but it didn't go as well as I would have liked. If I get it done, I'll let you know. I know ya'll love my poetry.
While I'm on a stream of random thoughts..... my two housemates, Lisa and Mary, have this amusing habit of talking in these horrible southern accents. They do it for hours, and after a while it's actually kinda convincing. They talk a lot about fornication with their cousins and such, which is kinda disturbing, but it's really amusing to hear them from across the house just rambling on about anything in those terrible hick accents. I love my house.
Well, I guess I should go at least pretend to do some homework. Maybe I'll take a nap....

Nesting

Meet my imaginary friend:
Lonliness.
My twisted, perverted soul
has found comfort
in pain;
has found solace
in emptiness;
has found acceptance
in nothingness.
The panic is a calming
familiarity,
re-centering my life.
The desperation
reminds me of joys
past and promises
joys in the future.
Just me and my lonliness,
clinging to each other
in the dark.

Almost done. I wish.

Week #1: finished.
Paula: sore, tired, already bored with classes, lonely without a distraction, full-scheduled though not as full as it will be, but haven't ruined any grades as of yet.

I have an odd urge to ask, "are we finished yet?" over and over and over. I'll try to restrain myself.

Jennica and Kathleen: come back soon, I miss you.